5 Things to consider before trusting a parenting 'expert'

There are many self-proclaimed parenting ‘experts’ out there. A wealth of books, TV programmes and podcasts you can choose from. A veritable cornucopia of parenting styles. How do you possibly begin to choose what’s right for you? How on earth do you weed out the ‘experts’ who are just in it to make money or achieve fame? How do you find the parenting advice that actually has your best interests at heart?
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Nowadays, with knowledge literally at our fingertips, it can feel like wading through jelly, with no idea who to listen to – is it the person who is most famous? The person who shouts loudest? The person who has an excellent marketing manager?

You may not think it matters too much… parenting is just parenting, right? But, when you’re putting raising your children into someone else’s hands, when you’re trusting that the advice they’re giving is sound, it matters. A lot.
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Would you base your entire parenting ethos on something a random woman on the street told you? Would you apply every strategy your mother in law suggests (well, she has raised her own children after all)? Would you make your parenting decisions based on someone else’s opinion? Hell no!
 
So why make the life changing decision to parent in a certain way just because a person has published a book? Famous doesn’t mean right. Published doesn’t mean expert. I’m going to let you in on a secret that is bloody well hidden when it comes to parenting… the only expert in your child is YOU!
 
So, be wary when someone is giving you a set of rules to live by and ask yourself this “Are they interested in my child being raised to be the best, happiest person he can be, or are they interested in making some money?” Solutions sell but that doesn’t make them beneficial!
 
In order to help you navigate the murky waters of parenting experts, I’ve put together a checklist to help you decide whether you really want this person involved in your child’s upbringing. Choose carefully, the impact will be profound.
 

1. Do they have evidence to back up their claims? Is this person talking about their own experience and ideals? Experience and opinion definitely have a place but do you really want to raise your child based just on what someone else thinks? Do you really want to put your child’s future into the hands of someone who may not share the same ideas, principles and priorities as you? There is a wealth of evidence out there on baby & child brain development and psychology… if the ‘expert’ you’re looking at doesn’t refer to any evidence to back up their strategies and claims… STEER CLEAR!
   
   
2.  ​Do they take the needs of child and parent into consideration? Is your parenting ‘expert’ focused on just you (or just your child?) Do they acknowledge that both the parents’ and child’s needs are important and must be met? Or are they just interested in making the parent’s life easier? If the strategies all involve parental benefit without much thought to the child, a red flag should be raised.Children have complex and important needs, not meeting them leads to major problems down the line. Our children are highly vulnerable and rely on us for everything – neglecting our duty in order to make life easier (in the short term) is not a wise parenting strategy. Be wary of ‘experts’ who advise you that you must teach things to babies (think ‘self soothing’ and ‘feeding on a schedule’). Babies have needs and they don’t appear on a schedule.
   
   
3. Do they talk about the long-term impact of their strategies? Is the ‘expert’ talking about how their strategies benefit your child over time, or are they just focused on ‘fixing’ or changing behaviours? Our children are not dogs – we don’t need to train them! If the ‘expert’ isn’t considering how our parenting affects brain development or how to raise a resilient, trusting, happy and confident child then they don’t have your child’s best interests at heart. They’re interested in offering you quick fix solutions to earn more dollar.
   
   
4. Do they consider YOU the expert in your own child or do they consider THEMSELVES the expert? If you are given a strict routine or a list of rules that must be followed, please proceed with caution. No two children are alike; their needs, personalities and likes vary widely. An ‘expert’ who tells you that they have the silver bullet for raising a child is deluded, at best, and a liar, at worst. Please listen when I say this and repeat it until it sinks in…. YOU are the expert. You know your little one better than anyone. You know what they like and dislike. You understand what they’re trying to communicate. You know what those different cries mean. You know what they need. Don’t let your instincts become buried under layers of what you feel you should be doing. That author or TV nanny does NOT know your child. If they try to make you feel like they do then run in the opposite direction.
   
   
5. Do they make allowances for individuality? As I mentioned above, it’s vital to check whether the ‘expert’ in question gives you a framework or a rulebook. A framework offers information and guidance with the intention that you will adapt it to fit your family situation. Telling you what you should be doing and giving you a timetable is NOT a framework. It’s just disempowering you, making you feel that, every time a new problem or issue arises, that you need to go back to this expert for more help.

 
Cynical? Perhaps but wouldn’t it be more helpful to you if you had a way of working out any problem on your own and creating strategies that suit your own family? Inevitably, following a rulebook makes us feel like failures as parents when our children don’t follow those rules (say what?! Babies haven’t read the book too?!) And, if you feel that you need to go back to this expert each time you’re having an issue, guess who benefits? Maybe you a little, your baby not at all… and the ‘expert?’ More money in their pockets, thank you very much.
 
Perhaps the ultimate question to ask then is this… Is this person actually passionate about supporting parents in helping to raise happy kids? (Or is she just trying to fix a problem as quickly as possible with no thought to the consequences?)
 
At the end of the day, the choice is yours and only yours. Going into the decision-making process with open eyes and the knowledge of what to look for will help you reach your parenting goals, raise the kind of child you want to raise and help you enjoy it all along the way.

Lauren Partington- CalmFamily York & North  Yorkshire​

Lauren was born and raised in South Africa before moving to York to attend university; where she fell in love with the city (and her now husband). After almost a decade as a primary school teacher, Lauren left education of one kind and moved into another. Now a certified CalmFamily parenting consultant and owner of 'Extraordinary [Ordinary] Mum', Lauren supports mothers find their calm, understand their children and build a life based on strong, positive principles. She's the proud mother to two feisty children who have taught her what the parenting books never could... what being a mother really means.