“Am I a good enough parent?” (Spoiler alert: Yes, I am. But NOT just because I’m asking the question..)

 I am a parent.
Sometimes I think I’m a great parent.
At other times not so much.

I seem able to be a not-so-good parent in four different ways.

n the first kind I am simply dropping balls. Leaving lunch behind. Getting half way through cooking the supper they really want to discover we’re missing a key ingredient. Being late. Getting the date wrong for a party and missing it. Everyday mum guilt type of stuff.

The second type has me losing my cool. I hear myself yell at my kids, using threats, shaming, my own frustration spilling over and landing firmly on their little selves.

Thirdly there are the moments of watching something I’m getting wrong or working through impact on them. Such as my own relationship struggles with their Dad. Or with their Granny. Maybe choosing a change of job that means moving house, or moving school. Seeing my own choices or failings cause my children a whole extra run of hurdles to get over.

And lastly there are the times when I look at myself. I look at all the ways I don’t quite manage to be who I’d like to be for them. I am too anxious, too worried about making mistakes, too controlling, too much like my own mother, too much like my father, too perfectionist, too fearful, too quick to anger, too impatient, I have too high expectations, I’m too lazy, too idealistic, and basically have too many issues not to pass them on to my children.

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​And I wonder, how does it all work? Does it all balance out? If I manage enough evenings where we eat home grown, wholesome meals will that make up for the times I lose the plot? Can I sew enough draw-string gym bags for school to make up for the missed birthday parties? Can I find enough moments of laughing wondrous connection to undo the many many times I misread the signals and yelled when they needed a hug? Is that how I can be good enough?

I don’t think it works quite like that.

Because somehow, despite my failings, I DO believe that I am a good enough parent. I will go further. I believe I am more than good enough. I believe that I am the best parent my children can have. (Not the best parent for your children mind, only for mine.)

I shall explain why. The answer comes in two parts.

Firstly, our kids need us to get stuff wrong. They need to see us screwing up. It is really very important for them that we are significantly less than ‘perfect’. It is critical.

Why? Because we are raising kids, not robots. Our kids are going to get stuff wrong, make mistakes and screw up over and over again. They are going to grow up to be adults who carry on screwing up and making mistakes. Mistakes are a vital part of learning. They are a crucial element in creativity. And they are fundamental to developing resilience.

And so when we make mistakes, as parents, we are showing our children that it is ok for them to make mistakes too. We are modelling how to screw up. Showing them that screwing up has no effect on self-worth. You can make mistakes and still be a good person.

And then, (and this is the really vital part) we can model how to pick things up again and put them back together. We model empathy and validation. We model apologising. We model repairing the rupture in a relationship. Re-connecting. When our kids grow up and have a row and leave the house with nothing but their toothbrush, vowing never to return, we have already shown them the way back from that moment. They already have the map.

​Now most of us can look at those four ways we screw up, and apply this argument only to the first way – the dropping balls kind of mistakes. We can usually get our head around the idea that these mistakes could be ok if seen in the right light. But the others? They have a ton more shame attached to them!

The thing is, I have not yet met a parent who does not find themselves doing all four of the things I listed. And our kids are going to grow up to be just as human as we are, and they will do all four of those things too. (Yes, the fourth one will be mainly our fault of course…) And so we really need to get our heads around this idea that we are going to fail our kids. Inevitably. In every way I’ve listed and more.

Which brings me onto my next reason why I think I’m a good enough parent.

Once we have screwed up we have a choice. And in my opinion, this choice we make is the single most important part of being a parent. This is my measure of what being ‘good enough’ means.

We can choose to step back. Or we can choose to engage.

Stepping back can sometimes look like the sensible thing to do. It might be described as ‘being realistic’, or ‘accepting the situation’. But if you look deeply, then you’ll usually find blame somewhere. We might blame the circumstances, we might blame our child, we might blame our parents for not giving us what we needed when we were children. We might blame our partner, our extended family, our lack of support, our lack of knowledge. “That’s just how it is,” we say. “There’s nothing I can do about it.” We screw up and then we leave the wound there. Unhealed.

Engaging is about letting go of the blame, and taking responsibility. It is about making a commitment to keep looking for a better way. To look at what we got wrong and why, and to make changes to try to get things less wrong in the future.

It can feel uncomfortable. Vulnerable. We usually have to go to places where we feel shame, and wade through that sticky stuff to the other side.

It is through staying engaged that I am learning how to apologise fully and compassionately. That I am learning how to handle my own moments of overwhelm, and move from yelling to loving and understanding. It is through staying engaged, through looking for more knowledge, different ways of doing things, better ways to manage, that I am finding the responses and actions that will help my children cope with their upsets. I am learning how to support them over the hurdles life will throw at them.

It has been through staying engaged, through seeking support, that my husband and I have found better ways to stay connected in our own relationship. And through this we have been able to model healthier behaviours to our children. It is in staying engaged that I have been able to find ways to heal some of my own wounds. And in doing this I am modelling to my children that not only is it ok to have such wounds, but that there is help out there, that it is ok to ask for help, and that there are ways to heal.

​All these elements of life are going to be constantly changing as our children grow and develop, and as we grow and develop. At each change we get to choose to stay engaged again.

  It is not the mistake that matters. It is what we do next.
We get to choose that.
We get to choose that over and over.
That is what makes us good enough.

By Alexandra Harris - Consultant at CalmFamily Hampshire

Alexandra has two children, aged 4 and 6, a dog and a husband, and spends most of her time exploring muddy streams in the New Forest and storing collections of special sticks, stones and shells on the floor of her car. Her favourite way to decompress and recharge is to immerse herself fully in the sea and her daughter regularly sends her for a swim when she’s finding Mummy a little difficult to manage.
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Alexandra's passions lie in supporting parents to be able to understand their children and themselves more fully, and so develop relationships that lead to calm, respectful and joyful family lives.

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