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Sustainable Parenting: How Not Costing the Planet Needn't Cost the Earth

26/8/2019

‘Have you got everything ready for the baby?’

It’s one of those questions that everyone asks expectant parents towards the end of pregnancy. And there seems to be an almost blanket acceptance that not only do babies need a lot of stuff, it’s also going to be really expensive! Then there’s all this pressure to make sure it’s all environmentally friendly too. It’s important to look after the planet, which obviously means the cost is going up even more, because handmade wooden toys and custom-made cots built from reclaimed timber and ethically sourced organic cotton baby grows don’t come cheap...!

But what if I told you there are awesome ways to do all this in a more sustainable way, reduce waste, respect our planet and make it more cost effective? Well, that’s exactly what I’m going to do, because that’s what this blog is all about. Now I’m not knocking all those lovely things I just mentioned, however, as beautiful as they may be, and environmentally friendly as they might claim to be it’s still extra ‘stuff’ into the waste system. Being more eco-friendly is all about diversion away from the waste system, and I’m going to talk you through how you can use the waste hierarchy (a bit like Maslow’s Heirarch of Needs but all to do with avoiding throwing things away) to make more planet friendly choices about the things you choose for your new arrival.

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My toddler is biting and I'm at my wits end...

19/8/2019

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Q: My toddler has been getting angry and biting my 6 month old baby now for the past few weeks and I just don’t know what to do about it. I have tried withdrawing attention from the toddler, ignoring the bad behaviour, taking the baby away to another room to have fun leaving toddler behind, getting toddler to explain why it was wrong and to say sorry to baby, and recently I have been sending toddler to his room as I am just too angry to cope with him any more. Whatever approach I have tried seems to have no effect at all. My toddler can explain why biting is wrong and apologise, and then five minutes later he bites again. What do I do?? My toddler is usually a loving kind boy, and the rest of the time he seems to really love his baby sister, and is very proud of her.
What is wrong with him? I am at my wits end!

A. Oh wow, do I know that place you are right now, and the enormous frustration and anger and hopelessness and fear that goes with it! It can seem so scary seeing your loving little boy transform into this aggressive being, and the feelings you have towards him in those moments can be terrifying for you to feel too. I want you to know that you are not alone. That this is such a common occurrence in older siblings (and common even in toddlers who aren’t dealing with a new baby in the family). And the feelings of rage you have towards your toddler in these moments – these are common too.
There is nothing wrong with your toddler, and there is nothing wrong with you. Your boy is currently dealing with a major upset to his world, to his life. Yes, most of the time he is kind and loving and proud, but from time to time he gets overwhelmed. (I suspect you do too!).
It maybe that he feels he hasn’t had enough Mummy time that day. You were feeding the baby when he really wanted you to do some play-doh. Or there was a kid at nursery who said something mean and he hasn’t had a chance to process it. Or he is hungry, or tired, or he is wearing the wrong socks and they are bugging him. Or it could just be that he can feel a strange tension in the house and it doesn’t feel good to him. It is probably a combination of all these things. He has a highly underdeveloped brain still and things that can seem very minor to us adults, can send a toddler into overwhelm very easily.
What do you tend to do when you are overwhelmed? I yell. I hate that I yell, and I wish that I didn’t, but currently this is what I do when I am overwhelmed. Some toddlers throw things. Some slam doors, break stuff, kick out at their parents. Some go totally silent and freeze. Your toddler currently bites his sister. That is his go-to thing. And it has the immediate effect of altering the tension in the room, and changing the focus. For somebody who has reached an unbearable level of stress over something, changing the focus of that stress can feel like a relief.
But what you need to remember is that your toddler is not biting out of spite, or maliciousness, or any desire to hurt his sister.
He bites because it is his cry for help. And it is the only cry for help that he currently knows.
So what can you do? You have already seen that trying to ‘discipline’ him has not been working. You have tried a variety of negative consequences, as well as explaining to him why biting is wrong. He knows in his rational brain that biting hurts his sister, and he will readily apologise. But then straight away he bites again.
This is because his rational brain is not working in these moments. It is off-line. His stress response – that fight/freeze/flight response has kicked in and those pathways in his brain are very strong. The survival of the human race used to depend on them.
So we need to look at the root cause of the behaviour, rather than just the symptoms. We need to look at where he is right in that moment when he bites.
And where he is is hurting.
He is overwhelmed. He is hurting, and sad, and he needs help.
So you can go straight in with love. With cuddles, and reassurance, and a whole heap of understanding. Scoop him up in your arms and take him off for stories, or a game, or just some time one-on-one with you.
If possible try to start this when your partner is around so that you can hand the baby straight over and concentrate fully on your hurting, needing, still very young son.
Love him, love him and love him more.
And if you find that you are really triggered by seeing him hurt his sister, and you really struggle to find the understanding, loving you in those moments (because you are a totally normal human being!), then I can recommend preparing a script to get you going.
“Oh wow, S, you are upset! I’m sorry I didn’t notice you were getting overwhelmed! I love you, come and have a hug. You have been such a kind and patient big brother all morning, and suddenly it is all a bit much isn’t it? I’m here, I’ve got you.” Something like that.
And he may resist for a while (it is hard to suddenly have to actually feel those difficult feelings that he is struggling with). Or he may cry. Or he may pretend that there is nothing wrong and just listen to a story as if nothing has happened. Or he may laugh (this is another common one, and it can be infuriating to experience. But laughter is so close to crying, that especially in small children the two can get confused). If you can stay with the understanding, the kindness and the love, then he will eventually let you know how sad he is, and how difficult he has been finding it.
Try to imagine yourself in those moments when you are so angry with him. Try to work out what words would feel good for you to hear in those moments. “You are such a wonderful mother. You are doing such an amazing job. It can be so hard can’t it?” That is what your son needs right in those moments when he has bitten his sister. Because he might be scared about it too. It may scare him that he can do something hurtful, and that there is a part of him that is not ok, not loveable. He needs your reassurance more than anything in these moments.
And if you can find that place in yourself where you can understand him and empathise with him, then I strongly suspect the biting will vanish again as quickly as it appeared.
Let me know how you get on!
it.

Alexandra Harris CalmFamily Hampshire

Alexandra has two children, aged 4 and 6, a dog and a husband, and spends most of her time exploring muddy streams in the New Forest and storing collections of special sticks, stones and shells on the floor of her car. Her favourite way to decompress and recharge is to immerse herself fully in the sea and her daughter regularly sends her for a swim when she’s finding Mummy a little difficult to manage.

Alexandra's passions lie in supporting parents to be able to understand their children and themselves more fully, and so develop relationships that lead to calm, respectful and joyful family lives.

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A letter to my daughter

12/8/2019

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Your arrival in this world felt dramatic and decisive. It was as if, once you’d decided it was time, there was no stopping you. Finding out we had a daughter was exquisite and terrifying, all rolled into one. And you’ve been a blessing ever since.

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A polite request: Please keep a closer eye on your child at soft play- this is not what you think

5/8/2019

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“Oh, here we go” you’re thinking, “here comes someone else judging me for my parenting choices!” For taking a few moments to yourself or enjoying a rare uninterrupted conversation with a friend while your child runs off some steam at the soft play centre.

Don’t worry, it’s not what you think! I promise.

I completely get the need to have some you time while a brightly coloured, foam-padded steel frame entertains your child for a bit. I’m a full-time stay-at-home mum to a very boisterous 2-year-old boy and a headstrong 1-year-old girl who doesn’t like being pushed around by said 2-year-old boy. I’m with you 100% in needing a break…..

I’m also sure I’m not alone in comparing a soft-play centre to hell on earth. Literally like the ground has opened up and the fiery inferno of the afterlife is engulfing everyone in the building. I think it’s a combination of the relentless pop music, bright colours, noisy over-excited children dashing around and junk food smells that is completely overstimulating for me, a fully grown adult, so it’s hard to imagine how it must feel for a small child. Toddlers experience the world in a highly vivid fashion; they’re multi-sensory creatures who can very easily become overstimulated. So, when your child pushes mine over because his personal space was invaded, I get it. I completely understand where that behaviour is coming from. Those aren’t the behaviours that interest me, or that I want to focus on in this blog post.

What I want to talk about are the behaviours that go completely unnoticed. The behaviours that get overlooked because often as parents in this situation we’re constantly on the defensive. We’re anticipating our child pushing someone over at any moment, throwing a ball pool ball in someone’s face or just generally getting into an altercation that requires some parental mediation or refereeing. But what happens in all the other moments when parental input isn’t required. What do our children get up to then?

Well let me tell you something, they’re amazing! I’m writing this having been at soft-play this morning where I made a conscious effort to watch my son - and to really watch attentively, not just defensively – to watch him but also the other children around him. I witnessed him working really hard on a specific physical skill, tweaking his technique to make it more efficient, and practising it over and over to perfect it before moving onto something else. He never gave up when the going got tough, he just persisted until he could do it. That’s a pretty awesome quallity that I’d be very proud if he carried through to adulthood. I watched him collaborating with his peers, working as a team to all help each other up a slope that was just a little bit big for them. They were communicating, formulating plans, testing methods and readjusting them until they had solved the problem. A huge list of amazing skills were demonstrated by every single one of the children involved. I witnessed turn-taking without having been told to “share”, I witnessed compromises, consideration, compassion and intelligence. Our children are truly amazing, and if we’re constantly just fire-fighting and reacting to the drama, we’re potentially missing out on seeing our children for who they really are, and what they are really capable of.

As we were getting our shoes and coats on ready to leave, I had such a great conversation with my son. I told him how I had noticed him helping the little girl up the slope, and we talked about how helpful and thoughtful he was. I told him I was really proud of him, and that he should feel proud of himself too. As we were leaving the lady at reception asked if he’d had a good time, and you know what he said to her? “I helped the little girl up the slope, I’m a helpful boy.” A pretty awesome take home message for him in my opinion

Children want to be noticed. When we watch them and offer commentary back about what they are doing, we are validating them. We are demonstrating our interest in them, acknowledging that their actions have meaning, and that as people they have worth. We are nurturing the connection that exists between ourselves and them, and we are also nurturing the amazing qualities our children possess. As parents, we often feel it is our job to teach our children: to teach them to care for others and teach them concern and empathy. But a little newsflash for you, children are born good. They are born with an innate tendency towards caring for and connecting with others. They also already have inbuilt qualities such as persistence, ambition, drive, confidence, resilience, compassion…. The list goes on. It’s not necessary to teach them, these traits are already built in, they just need recognising and nurturing. But to recognise them we have to notice them, and to notice them we first have to observe.

So, next time you’re at soft play (and indeed anywhere else), a polite request: please keep a closer eye on your child.

Hannah Cartledge- CalmFamily Sheffield and South Yorkshire

I’m Hannah, I live in Sheffield with my two children (1 and 2 years old) my husband, a cat and four chickens. I’ve been running CalmFamily Sheffield and South Yorkshire for a little while now. Children are only small for such a short time though, so I’m trying to enjoy it rather than wish it away!

I read the BabyCalm book while pregnant with my first. As I’m sure a lot of adults have, I’ve carried quite a bit of baggage from my childhood and the way that I was parented. I knew that I wanted to do things differently. Reading BabyCalm I just thought “Yes! There is another way, and this is it!”. Everything in it just seemed to make so much sense to me. A parenting concept that treats children fairly, compassionately, unconditionally and with the respect that they deserve. Why wasn’t everyone aware of this stuff? So I kept reading, and finished ToddlerCalm too. And then I really thought, everyone HAS to know this. This information could truly change the world. So that’s when I searched online to see if I could train to teach classes in these topics, and the rest as they say is history!

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Sustainable Parenting: How Not Costing the Planet Needn't Cost the Earth

My toddler is biting and I'm at my wits end...

Alexandra Harris CalmFamily Hampshire

A letter to my daughter

A polite request: Please keep a closer eye on your child at soft play- this is not what you think

Hannah Cartledge- CalmFamily Sheffield and South Yorkshire

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