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Children and sleep - a response to Panorama

6/3/2017

Children and sleep. It’s always a topic that gets people going, with opinions and advice being bandied around to ‘fix’ whatever sleep problem parents are experiencing. Let’s face it, we’ve all been asked ‘Is he good?’ about our tiny newborn – which basically means ‘Does he sleep?’ And obviously, babies who don’t sleep are ‘bad’ - and this labelling continues through to toddlers who don’t sleep either.

Tonight’s Panorama (Sleepless Britain) was no exception.

Before I go any further, I would like to say that this post is in no way referring to those children who have a recognised, clinical sleep disorder. What I am talking about is children who sleep like normal children, who are being let down by out-of-touch advice and techniques. I’m also going to focus on the younger children featured in the programme, as that’s the age range we cover.

Let’s address some of the points made by the programme one-by-one:

1. The sleep clinic

To start with, the visit to the sleep clinic that showed several babies and toddlers in attendance. Normal babies and toddlers do not have sleep issues. They sleep the way that children are designed to sleep – to wake often for milk and to check they are safe. Yet research has shown that almost 50% of parents of 7 month olds think that their baby has a sleep problem. Almost 50%. Do these babies have a sleep problem? No.

So what is the problem? Parents that have no idea what is normal in terms of baby and toddler sleep, that have a constant barrage of rubbish thrown at them by (some) family / friends / peers / health professionals / child ‘experts’ / tv programmes. And what are these people basing their advice on? Certainly not the wealth of recent research that is coming out of dedicated child sleep labs. And why is this? Because it doesn’t sell. It doesn’t make money. Parents want quick fixes. Your child isn’t sleeping? I can fix that! Give me 3 days and your ‘problem' will be ‘fixed’ (worth noting though, that in actual fact the problem isn’t fixed and often comes back months down the line, and needs to be ‘fixed’ again).

2. Controlled crying

Unsurprisingly, this (along with gradual retreat) was the solution offered. Yes, controlled crying ‘works’. But how does it work? Contrary to what the ‘experts’ would have you believe, little Jonny is not going happily to sleep once he doesn’t cry (which typically happens after three nights of crying - two nights on this evening’s Panorama). A study that measured the stress hormone cortisol found that while the babies were crying, the level of cortisol was high (and it has been suggested at a high enough level to be toxic to the developing brain). When the babies stopped crying, the level of cortisol was measured again. The levels of cortisol were as high as when the babies were crying. They had just stopped vocalising their distress.

If we recall the NSPCC advert from years ago that moved many parents to tears, that showed a baby that stopped crying because they knew no–one was going to come. Yet doing the same to ‘teach’ a child to sleep is perfectly acceptable.

3. Manipulative toddlers

Apparently these children ‘want their own way’. A statement like this shows a complete lack of knowledge about the immaturity of children’s brains – specifically, the lack of development in the neocortex that allows for rational, logical (and manipulative) thinking.

To be able to attempt to get their own way, that child would have needed to be able to undergo a complicated thought process whereby she thought about cause and effect and analyse the likely effect that a number of actions would potentially have on her parents. Toddlers are simply not capable of this level of rational, logical thinking. Put simply, they are not capable of manipulation.

4. Sleep is something you have to teach

Apparently you have to teach your child to go to sleep. Again, this is nonsense. Just as you don’t need to teach your child to sit, crawl, walk, climb, talk (the list can go on and on), you don’t need to teach your child to sleep. All children, left to their own devices, in the right conditions, will go to sleep. And they will learn to go to sleep on their own without support from mum or dad. But we just expect them to do that at a far younger age than they’re capable of.

5. It's ok to leave your child to cry because they cry at other times

They compared leaving a child to cry to another situation where they cried but it’s necessary. Like VACCINATIONS. I don’t even know where to start with this one. In fact, I was utterly horrified by it. There are plenty of situations where children cry – but in the vast majority of those situations, parents COMFORT their children. Imagine if I took my 3 year old for her preschool boosters, and when she cried because it hurt (which she did), I plonked her on the floor, walked out, and said ‘This is for your own good. I’m not comforting you.’

What are we teaching our children when we happily comfort them in other situations when they cry, but we treat sleep (at nighttime, when they feel alone and threatened anyway, a time when they need us most) as a situation where leaving our children to cry is totally fine?

6. Evidence that leaving children to cry doesn’t harm them

From my understanding, the lady was comparing controlled crying and crying it out, and stated that research had shown no difference in outcomes between the two (which isn’t really surprising, seeing as they’re pretty similar).

But there has also been research (and it is an ongoing field of research) that has suggested that leaving children to cry can be damaging. Should we not be doing all we can to try to avoid potentially damaging situations / actions, especially when there is such focus on adult mental health at the moment? How can an adult be mentally healthy if their mental health is potentially damaged during early childhood – at a time when their brains are going through a massive leap in development and laying down pathways to do with emotional regulation and stress management? It’s also worth remembering that although we have no categorical research that says it is harmful - no evidence of harm is very different to evidence of no harm.

7. The mum struggled with it

Why are we taught to ignore our instincts? We are biologically designed to comfort our children when they cry. It is a physical bodily response that we have no control over. It makes me incredibly sad and angry to see a parent upset because her child is crying, but she feels that she should ignore that biological impulse because she needs to ‘teach’ her child.

8. The dad said he was given advice about diet and food, but none about sleep

And this is the root of the problem. As I said before, we are so far removed from the world of babies and toddlers, that we have no idea what their normal sleep looks like, and we place adult expectations on them. Expectations that they cannot meet, because they are children, not adults.

9. Tablets and TV

Yes, tablets and all-hours kids’ TV probably aren’t helping, but I also feel that it is an easy demon to point the finger at. Parents are tired. They work all day. They need a babysitter so they can get stuff done – and that’s ok. Instead it’s used as another stick to beat parents with, another thing to make them feel guilty about. I used to stay up till all hours reading books when I was younger (my mum has numerous photos of me asleep in bed with a book on my face) – and you didn’t see anyone demanding that my books be taken away.

Stressful bedtimes

When bedtimes are stressful, we (parents and children) approach bedtimes stressed. Is it any wonder that children resist falling asleep when they are experiencing such distress? Night times are already scary – and I say that as a 36 year old woman who hates sleeping alone at night. We are biologically designed to fear the dark – it’s a survival strategy that is a hangover from our cave-dweller, hunter gatherer origins. If I don’t like sleeping alone, and my overactive imagination conjures up all sorts of things when I lie in the dark and hear a strange noise – why should I expect any different from my children, who don’t have my (supposedly) rational adult brain?

And this is something else I considered while watching this. Are we seeing older children with sleep problems because of what their experience of sleep was like when they were younger? Is sleep for them a threatening area? Is it something to be scared of? And is this because of the kind of sleep environment they were exposed to when younger?

There are other options

So why aren’t other workable alternatives besides taking the tablets away and leaving their child to cry being offered to parents? The young toddler being left to cry because she was exhibiting totally normal toddler behaviour actually reduced me to tears. For the child, but also because parents go to places looking for help and this is the same old crap that keeps being pushed on them. Leave them to cry. Don’t let them manipulate you. And it’s utter rubbish. This is decades-old advice that is now being shown by modern research to be detrimental to children’s emotional development. And programmes like this just fuel these attitudes.

If I am advocating not ‘punishing’ children to get them to sleep, and not ‘fixing’ the problem, what am I suggesting? To be gentler. To go back to how, as a species, we are designed to sleep. With children in family beds – or if that’s something the family aren’t comfortable with – a family bedroom. Making bedtime a positive time, without threats and punishments. Making bedrooms a positive space to be in, not a negative space. Having a strong bedtime rhythm also works well for young children – but it’s important to remember that it is just a pattern of things that signify bedtime. Not a time-based, strict routine that doesn’t allow for any variation or account for any individual differences that may need to be adjusted for that day (a later get up, a longer than usual nap).

If we look at how other (non Western) cultures sleep, we see family beds and family bedrooms. We see babies and toddlers fed to sleep, rocked to sleep, carried to sleep. We see parents that stay with their children until they fall asleep. But in our society, many people have it in their heads that these are ‘bad habits’ that will ‘create a rod for our own backs.’ Who wants a 16 year old that still sleeps in our beds? Who wants to still be feeding / rocking / carrying a 12 year old to sleep? Not us! So we ‘break’ those habits. But instead of making our lives easier, we make them harder. These cultures don’t do these things because they want to make their lives harder (or because they want a teenager in their bed). They do them because they know that these are brilliant ways to get children to sleep. Put simply, they work. And guess what – they don’t have teenagers in their beds. And they aren’t still rocking / feeding their tweens to sleep either. Their children transition out of needing these things at their own pace and do so perfectly happily.

Dealing with lack of sleep

Panorama stated that lack of sleep was the biggest problem for parents. I totally agree. It’s what most people contact me for help with. And before anyone cries ‘But you don’t know what it’s like!’ Believe me, I do. My children were (are) not ‘good’ sleepers. So how do I manage? How do I get enough sleep?

My children (who turn 6 and 4 this week) have always slept with us. I was a reluctant bed sharer with my first – he wouldn’t sleep anywhere else, and I was petrified because ‘it was dangerous’ (I now know better, and know that – done correctly and following safety guidelines – it is as safe, if not safer, than having your baby in a cot). So petrified that I kept it a deep, dark secret and spent many hours trying to get him to sleep in his cot.

I fed and rocked him to sleep, then transitioned to lying with him while he fell asleep. As he got older, he would start the night in his bed then come through to our bed when he woke. And the latter has been the pattern since then. Last week, without any intervention from us, he stayed in his bed all night. And has done so for the past week. My 4 year old starts in her bed and comes in with us when she wakes. I could spend my time taking her back to her bed and trying to get her to stay in it, by bribing her or punishing her – but the result would be that we would all get less sleep. And I do not deal well with little sleep.

And that’s a huge part of our solution – I have to manage my sleep as well as my children’s. If I stay up late watching TV, and then they wake up in the night (as they always do), and I’m more tired the next day – that’s not their fault for waking, but mine for not managing my own bedtime better. If I’m really tired, I have been known to go to bed with my kids.

Having my children sleep in my bed doesn’t mean I’m a pushover, but it does mean we all get more sleep.

The answer?

I recognise that my family bed approach isn’t for everyone. Not everyone has a big bed or wants their octopus child next to them at 3am. And I’m not suggesting this as a blanket solution for everyone. But what I am suggesting is that we need to start making positive, gentle, respectful suggestions to parents to find solutions that work for them but don’t cause distress to their children.

The answer is not to ‘fix’ our children’s sleep, but rather to educate parents about normal child sleep, lower parental expectations to a suitable level, and inform them about alternatives for managing their family sleep.

Sleep support

The Infant Sleep Info Source (ISIS) is part of Durham University, and offers evidence-based, realistic information about biologically normal baby and toddler sleep:
ISIS online

Prof. James McKenna is one of the foremost sleep researchers, and runs a mother-infant sleep lab at the University of Notre Dame:
Mother-Baby behavioural sleep laboratory

Both BabyCalm and ToddlerCalm run sleep workshops which aim to educate parents on what is normal and help families find gentle, respectful solutions that will help them to manage their sleep situations:
Baby sleep
Toddler sleep

Author

Sarah Holmes, Consultant at BabyCalm and ToddlerCalm Jersey, and Director of Marcomms at CalmFamily CIC.

39 Comments

Tracey Cook

7/3/2017 07:36:59 am

Brilliant, articulate response to the 'issue' of sleep in children. As a mum of 4, I was encouraged to sleep train my eldest three. It was deeply stressful and I feel my daughters have been scarred by that approach. They are now 21, 19 and 17. My youngest is three - we were totally led by her in all things. She slept in our bed as and when she wants to - every night still she comes in at anytime between 12 and 4am. She goes to sleep in her own bed, gave up breastfeeding herself 2 weeks ago. No tears, no training she just decided she was ready and did not need that anymore. She also gave up nappies 2 weeks before that. She is confident, happy, intelligent and amazing in every way. I have never left her to cry. The results speak for themselves. I will always regret the archaic ways I raised her sisters and am so happy to be able to change the way I am with her.

Amy S link

7/3/2017 08:20:23 am

I didn't watch it yet I've had comments from well-meaning family members that my toddler has a sleep problem! My husband and I do not mind our 23 month old coming into our bed in the early hours to breastfeed most nights. It works for us and is perfectly normal behaviour for a breastfed child of her age. It's not a problem for us therefore it's not a problem, full stop. We have never even considered sleep training and we are confident that both our children (4.5 and 23 moths) get enough sleep in a 24 hour period.
Thank you for this article. I'm sharing it far and wide as I feel it is so important to have realistic expectations about young children's sleep.

Wendy Osborne

7/3/2017 09:17:48 am

This is an interesting article. As a newly qualified health visitor I'm interested to hear different opinions and read new research. But everything I do has to be evidence-based and supported by good quality research. Can you tell me where I can find any evidence to back up your theories please? Particularly about co-sleeping. As an ex A&E nurse who has been involved in failed resuscitations of children who co-slept, this worries me immensely but I am genuinely open to new research. Thank you.

Sarah Holmes, CalmFamily CIC

7/3/2017 09:30:01 am

'The Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland covers a lot of this (including cosleeping) in extensively researched (and referenced) detail, and is well worth a read.

These posts are also well researched and referenced.

http://evolutionaryparenting.com/educating-the-experts.../

https://www.psychologytoday.com/.../dangers-crying-it-out

Prof James McKenna is at the forefront of research into bedsharing: http://cosleeping.nd.edu

And this is a well researched and evidenced post by Prof Helen Ball (also at the forefront of research into infant sleep) about bedsharing: http://evolutionaryparenting.com/bed-sharing-and-co-sleeping-research-overview/

As with most things, it's incredibly important to be aware that bedsharing is only safe if the guidelines are followed.

7/3/2017 09:32:42 am

Also, Prof Helen Ball leads the Infant Sleep Info Source at Durham University. It's a great resource for research on biologically normal infant sleep: https://www.isisonline.org.uk

Claire Mills

7/3/2017 01:58:57 pm

Try reading 'Three in a Bed: The Benefits of Sharing Your Bed with Your Baby' by Deborah Jackson - which includes research on SIDS in relation to bed-sharing.

Felicity

7/3/2017 03:23:26 pm

As above, ISIS is a good place to start. I'm a physician who sleep trained my first (which I now regret) and I co-sleep with my second and it works well for us. We were guided by an Australian GP called Dr Pamela Douglas who wrote "The Discontented Baby Book" which is fantastic and covers some of the research in this area.

Elisa

7/3/2017 09:47:11 pm

I have always co slept, breastfed but it was always important to me to make sure my baby was safe, I fully read about co sleeping before hand and how to do this safely. I've read many horror stories about parents after a night out sleeping in the same bed and feel if this is something I choose to do you need to educate yourself first just

cath

8/3/2017 09:04:55 am

Look up a man called Dr James Mckenna. He has studied infant sleep for more than 30 years. He also outlines how to bedshare/ co-sleep safely. His website is cosleeping.nd.edu. Lots of info about him and his studies and vides etc.

Stephanie

7/3/2017 10:05:21 am

Agree with everything, except your comment about tablets and TV etc at bedtime, or as babysitters... that's not very helpful. I am a teacher and children in my classes are seriously sleep deprived and it's simply because they are addicted to their electronic devices and they do not sleep enough as a consequence. It's definitely not the same scenario as a child falling asleep in their book. Some children are not sleeping until 3 or even 5am quite regularly because they are unable to calm down and switch off after playing on computer games or messaging friends. I didn't see the whole programme but I saw a few moments where children were shown tired in the classroom and it was very familiar. We should be reading our children a story instead, or of course let them read their own books, but we musn't give them a device in place of us. I work all day (and evening) too and my children use those things, but not before or at bedtime - that time is for human contact, for all the reasons you expressed.

Dianne

7/3/2017 10:43:23 am

While I accept some of your criticisms of sleep training (I have not watched the program), and I agree with the whatever approach works for you idea, the thing is that your approach doesn't work for everyone either. Parenting is about compromise constantly, but it shouldn't be about giving up yourself totally to your child. I want a space that is child-free in my house for my own sanity and that is my bedroom. It is fine that my son joins us in bed sometimes, but it is Mommy and Daddy's room, not HIS room. You are not taking into account the mental health of the parent in your critique. My son started waking every 45 minutes-hour around four months and I could not cope. He was tired all the time and I could not function, so something had to change. This involved letting him cry sometimes to see if he went back to sleep, which most of the time he did within 5 minutes. By not comforting him and waking him further, it allowed him to realize things were ok and to go back to sleep on his own. Now which is more damaging to his mental health, him crying a bit at night, or having Mommy constantly upset, irritable and crying herself throughout the day, fighting with her partner and being frustrated with her baby, even though none of this is his fault? The benefits of having a functional and loving parent during the day as their carer, in my opinion, outweighs the effects of some stress induced at night by these techniques.

Emma

7/3/2017 11:55:54 am

I agree. My first child was a natural 'good' sleeper. My second woke, like yours, roughly every hour during the night. I was a mess, crying all the time, uninterested / uncapable of doing anything nice with him during the day. On the advice of an online sleep service, I tried leaving him for 5 minutes before going in and it was much better within days. Not perfect, but we could all function as a happy family again.
On another note. It is not helpful for the author to project her own night-time fears onto children. Personally, I have always slept much better on the nights I have the bed to myself, despite having been together with my partner for 15 years. Do not assume all children / babies are afraid of the dark - maybe the mere suggestion that it is something to be afraid of is helping to make them so...?

Amy

7/3/2017 01:25:30 pm

I agree with the above about mental health. I work for a CAMHS team and when advising on sleep we tend to ask questions to guage the parent's needs, attachment and lifestyle before advising because every one is different. We see a lot of anxious parents who keep their children close and let them into their bed at night. Often they develop separation anxiety as a result and that then perpetuates parents anxiety too making it a viscous circle. I advocate for nurture and place. Model to your child that their bed(room) is a safe place. It's ok if they come in to your bed in the middle of the night or start off in your bed on the understanding they will be moved as long as the child doesn't develop a NEED to be in your bed, demanding your presence and becoming stuck needing the parent to soothe them. Parents can give children the tools to self soothe. Hear their fears. Move the things that cause scary shadows. Put in a night light. Give them a special toy or object to bridge the gap or an item of clothing with your scent. Read them stories. Sing to them. Give them a warm drink. Build a bed cave with pillows and help them feel safe, loved and nurtured in their own space. The details around in your bed, putting them back to bed are not the main points. Nurture and consistency are the main points. Have a routine. Teach safety in separation, that they will be held in mind. Spend time in the same room but calming them not stimulating. Teach sleep hygiene. Use sensory tools. And absolutely don't have tablets or phones. I haven't seen the program so don't know what it said about them but these type of electronics have a back light that simulates daylight confusing the brain into thinking it is Day time. Certain games or videos cause a rise in adrenaline and cortisol and this interrupts calm. Books are fine. They do not have the same affect on the brain's chemical functioning. Do not stress about bed times and remember what you feel, your child will intuitively feel too.

Clate

7/3/2017 05:13:53 pm

Great response Dianne to a programme that was edited. So you did not see the full interview with the family of the toddler where they would have been told what 'normal' sleep is, where they would have talked through a hypnogram, where they would have looked at parenting style and worked on something bespoke and realistic for THAT family. They will also have been told it is not a 3 day turn around, more like a 3 week responsive parenting exercise.
The family were encouraged to respond to their daughter not stand outside with a clock and only respond after X number of minutes. That family will also have been followed up by the charity to ensure that they were happy and to change anything that didn't feel right.
I find this article as potentially damaging to parents as any piece of research that people choose to read to satisfy what they personally believe. It is just like religion and politics - being a vigilante about one particular way does not make it the best way.
I am 41 and was left in my pram at the bottom of the garden to cry myself to sleep for a nap - I have strong, secure relationships, I am a qualified professional and have no mental health problems.
Whatever you believe is right for you and your family situation is right for you. You should seek the help from someone that can cater for this and not judge.

Sally

7/3/2017 06:44:11 pm

Totally agree with you Dianne. Been through much the same myself with my first who's now three (now a perfect sleeper) and now my 5 month old.

7/3/2017 10:20:35 pm

I agree.
Each child is different, every situation is different. I think there is a big difference in a few minutes to a good half an hour of crying. It's not black and white.
We should be supporting mum's more in their own choices, as long as it's not causing harm.
Like you said, is it not better to have a rested functional mother too.

Sarah

7/3/2017 11:43:49 am

Can't you just say everyone should do whats right for them and their family without criticising and judging people with different views?!? I highly doubt that leaving a baby to cry for half an hour for a couple of nights is going to affect their 'mental health' for the rest of their lives!! This is a seriously self righteous, judgemental article. Isn't it important for babies, toddlers, children to get a full, undisturbed nights sleep?? Doesn't that prepare them mentally and physically for a day of learning etc?? I'm not saying either way is right or wrong but I don't think you should be either and making parents that have successfully done controlled crying with their children feel bad! I mean, I think anyone that has tried controlled crying has already felt bad enough, its not nice seeing/hearing your baby cry for any amount of time but I think the benefits of a full, good nights sleep outweigh the distress they feel for a short time a couple of nights. STOP JUDGING.

7/3/2017 01:40:05 pm

No judgements intended what's been done in the past has been done. Often in best interest and with best intentions. Current Research shows children left to cry too long often become internalisers of their own emotions, have damaged self esteem, lack of trust for adults, and dissociative anger and anxiety issues. We interpret the world in actions before we understand language and meaning and so whilst a child may cry it out, and become compliant eventually they can also become children who don't express themselves. Never let a child cry too long or become too distressed. A bit of wingeing and wimpering, tired tears that subside quickly to sleep is fine but prolonged distress is damaging for children's emotional wellbeing and resilience.

Laura

7/3/2017 08:00:07 pm

Please could you provide references for this current research

Sarah p

7/3/2017 01:48:26 pm

Someone feels guilty then.

Gil

7/3/2017 11:50:02 am

Sian

7/3/2017 12:55:42 pm

Let everyone find the technique that works for them and their child. With one of mine I did the controlled crying, he cried up to an hour a time with me going in at regular intervals. 3 nights later he slept without waking, unless he was ill etc. 19 years later, he's perfectly balanced, at uni, leading a normal life. I'm not a perfect parent by any means but I did what worked for the family at the time.

Farah

7/3/2017 01:18:33 pm

I am glad that I have read this article before watching the programme. I am really stressed and worried about my 6 (nearly 7) year old not sleeping by himself and that he gets up a couple of times through the night too :(
I can't sleep with him (because he is a hair-puller since he was a toddler) but because he is quite small framed I am scared he isn't getting enough rest for his developement.
Much of the above is what my GP has said to me - its just discipline and I have to persevere, but the reality is I can't because of my depression.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Sjm

7/3/2017 01:50:01 pm

I tend to find those who shout the loudest about each to their own and how there's nothing wrong with cc are the ones who have issue with what they did. I will never understand how leaving a small child in distress is ever a good thing. They don't go to sleep because they understand what you've done and are complying. They go to sleep because they give up. No one is coming to comfort them.

Sara link

7/3/2017 03:27:14 pm

Well done. At last someone who speaks the truth As a grandmother instead of being shown how to bath a forthcoming addition in Antinatal Classes. Reading " Why love matters" and discussing the realities of parenthood would be better preparation. Best advice my mum gave me was sleep when they sleep. Not always possible but maybe the real issue is how we regard children in our society and their needs.

Jenny

7/3/2017 03:56:16 pm

I agree with the comments about not judging others and finding what works for each family, my own baby began waking every 30 minutes to an hour all night from age 3 and a half months, I tried having him sleep with us in desperation and that didn't work - I would have had to sleep train him to sleep in bed with us! He would then have been disturbed by us during the night as he is an extremely light sleeper. After 2 nights of it we did sleep training with the pick up put down method and he didn't even need to cry, just fuss a little for a few minutes before I went in to him. A couple of times since I have had to re sleep train after illness or travel and it has involved some crying when he was older, but overall much less crying than if he is waking constantly through the night and crying because he is tired and has been abondoned during his sleep. He is now 19 months and sleeps very happily throught the night - he says 'bed' and asks to be put in his cot at the end of his bed time routine, I still see him wake every 40 minutes on his baby monitor but he very peacefully settles himself back to sleep, for us as a family I think this is much better than him waking and crying for me every 40 min through the night or me having to go to bed with him at 6pm if I had sleep trained him to sleep in bed with me (he sleeps 6pm to 6am). If I had a 'good' sleeper who only woke once in the night or every few hours then I might not have done sleep training so I don't judge anyone whose children are still waking in the night who haven't sleep trained, but I think for my baby and our family it was the best option. I think this article would be better if it were more balanced in encouraging families to choose the right option for them and presenting your way as one option - otherwise it is just as bad a s the panorma programme that you are criticising!

7/3/2017 05:29:17 pm

Forgot to mention my baby still woke through the night when he needed feeding until 14months old, so sleep training didn't mean that he 'didn't cry because nobody would come' - he will cry if he needs anyhting but doesn't need to cry for help to sleep

Cassy

7/3/2017 06:51:47 pm

With parenting there always seems to be the expectation that no-one should ever judge. Sometimes judgement is good, sometimes it opens you up to new perspectives or reinforces a feeling or guilt you had about something and sets you on the path to change or at least investigate different options.
For 7 months I followed conventional western thinking for a baby in a cot etc. I tried many different things to 'fix' my babies sleep 'problem'. One article and further research (as well as listening to my instincts) changed that. I've never looked back. We've slept as a family since then, 2 children later, bedtimes are peaceful. Sleep is a non issue. In fact everyone sleeps through in the main anyway, maybe waking for a quick cuddle. I realise soon things will change but it'll always be following the natural flow of development.
Keep articles like this coming! Western society will catch up with basic needs soon :)

7/3/2017 08:09:47 pm

I'm really happy for you that your family sleep well and that you're happy with how you approach sleep. Can I ask what you gain or achieve by judging other people who are happy doing things differently?

7/3/2017 08:21:13 pm

And if someone isn't happy doing things differently to you wouldn't it be better to supportively help them consider alternatives rather than judge them for doing things the 'wrong' way?

Kelly

8/3/2017 04:43:29 pm

Absolutely agree! If we all stop being defensive and scared to 'lose face', risk being wrong from time to time our whole society would benefit and people would be genuinely happy. (And children in turn would be happier) Rather than the kind of happy that people claim to possess...... that kind of "I'm happy" that is said through anger !!
If something is said with kindness and love, it is not judgement.
It is called advice. Take your defensiveness away and you would see that x

8/3/2017 06:53:29 pm

I'm not sure why you think I'm angry from my posts? The reason for my first post was to try to help give a balanced view for any newer mums reading this who haven't fully worked out what works for them yet. When I read posts by some people who co-sleep I get the impression that maybe in reaction to lots of well meaning but misplaced advice that they are pushing back against this and it can sometimes seem a bit evangelical as if co-sleep is the only right way to approach baby and young children's sleep. I wanted to give a balanced view to say that sleep training worked for my family and we are happy and my son is a very happy sleeper and I am still able to respond to him if he needs me in the night (which is now very rarely). The other point that I wanted to make is that I think parents face judgements from all sorts of directions so why add to that by judging each other over something that really depends on your own baby and circumstances. There is an expression that you should walk a mile in someone's shoes before judging them - it's lovely to feed or cuddle a baby to sleep, I would imagine most of the people here who co-sleep can do that and then have at least a couple of hours before the baby wakes by which time they would be in bed themselves, or maybe their baby's don't need a full 11-12 hours sleep at night and fit in with their parents' sleep needs of more like 8 hours, if anyone does spend 12 hours a night in bed with their children then I take my hat off to you! For those with lighter sleepers my scenario will sound very familiar: you feed or cuddle your baby to sleep or even just stroke their heads while they lie in bed to soothe them off to sleep, if you leave after a couple of minutes they will wake 10 mins after they fall asleep when they transition from lighter to deeper sleep and cry and you will need to repeat whatever got them to sleep, if you wait out the 10 mins with them before leaving to get past that transition in the sleep cycle then they will wake 30 mins after falling asleep and you will need to go back and repeat the process again, you will need to do this for the first few hours of the night, after about 10pm your baby may sleep a little deeper and sleep for up to 2 sleep cycles at a time (1 hour and 20min) from about 3am your baby will be sleeping more lightly and manage only maximum of 30 minutes at a time again. If you have a baby like mine they also need 12 hours sleep at night or aren't happy the next day. This gives me a choice of sleep training him to sleep next to me in bed (rather than on top of me as I can't sleep with a baby on top of me - don't know about anyone else!) and spending 12 hours in bed with him, or sleep training him to be happy getting himself to sleep in his cot and using the time before I go to bed to get housework and cooking done and have time for myself and with my husband so that I can make the personal choice of spending quality time with my child in the daytime (I don't use a tablet or TV as a babysitter, but can understand why people do - I have used a tablet a couple of times to keep him still to cut his hair!) Also my job means that on the 3 days a week that I work I'm not at home for his bedtime and my husband puts him to bed, so we would also have to sleep train him to fall asleep with my husband in bed or he would have to be overtired waiting for me to come home. I'm sorry for the long post but if I think if everyone tried to understand each other better and be confident in what works for you without judging others then it would be better for newer mums navigating all the conflicting advice - I think I'm basically saying co-sleeping sounds wonderful for those who choose it and if it works, but remember not everyone is the same as you and there are other ways of doing things that suit other families and it is possible to be happy if you're not co-sleeping - that probably sounds unbelievable to you because you're comparing to your own situation if you previously weren't co-sleeping rather than others' situations.

Roxy Thorp

7/3/2017 07:40:12 pm

Fantastic article - thank you. U actually had an argument with our doctor just yesterday on this very topic. My nearly 4 year old has genuine sleep problems and is on medication to try and help (he is autistic) and my 7 month old really doesn't sleep well and I am so fed up of people telling me to leave hin to cry and that u shouldn't co sleep etc. Thank you for making me feel better!

Carol B

8/3/2017 12:08:03 am

Great article!
I co-sleep with my almost 5 yr old and its a lovely way of keeping our bond strong. If she wakes in the night (rarely), she gently touches my cheek and then goes back off to sleep. I occasionally get a foot to the head, but we're mostly like an old married couple and sleep back to back. 😃
I have/would never leave her to cry. They are little for such a short time. We should embrace every minute.

Elizabeth Logotheti

8/3/2017 09:16:22 am

Fabulous article. I have four children, all grown now, my eldest has an 18mth old.
All my babies were fed to sleep (breast fed) and put in their cot but when they woke for subsequent feeds they stayed in bed with us. As toddlers I stayed with them till they slept and when they woke they again joined us in our bed which got quite crowded with three under six years old. However 6 years seems to be the magic age when children sleep through the night and don't need to visit their parents. I'm teaching my daughter the same tactics with her little boy, who has never used his very expensive cot except for the first very sleepy weeks! All of my kids a healthy, loving adults with no insecurity issues! It might seem taxing at first but in the long run it is far better to keep you babies feeling secure and loved by what ever means they require than trying to fit them into some mold society expects of them before they are ready. It will be a better world in the long run when people remember to use their instinct and realise that babies only have instinct to guide them.

Adela

8/3/2017 09:19:46 am

Dear Sarah - Its great to hear that you found a sleep approach that has worked well for your family. But please do consider the comments above pointing out that all families and children are different - so may have greater success with a different approach.

Secondly, in my experience (I have two boys and many friends with young children), many young children do need help to go to sleep. Just as with weaning I will offer food this is age appropriate, when my child is a bit hungry, in a highchair with clean hands and a bib and during a family meal to encourage my child to eat, when my children are tired and need to sleep I will place them in a safe, warm, dark environment with a familiar song or story to help them settle. In this environment they would LEARN to sleep, just as they learn to eat. Neither of my own children was able to sleep without gentle encouragement and help to do so - even if fed to sleep.

Secondly, I think the picture that you present of "controlled crying" is over simplistic. In my experience the key elements are actually having a structured rhythm to the day with consistent naptimes and a pre sleep routine so that your children quickly come to anticipate sleep, and making sure that they are well fed before going to sleep. I see both of these as very positive in helping a child feel safe - for example, if you are going on holiday it can help your children adjust by following the same pattern of events on holiday as you do at home.

Finally, I would agree with the comments above that I think you are missing a very important point: Mum (and Dad's) mental health. I know I am much happier when I have had a good nights sleep and able to function much more effectively, your article suggests that you are too! Your children are clearly happy to sleep in your bed and you to sleep with them - that's great. But for us that didn't work - our son just wouldn't sleep and so we tried alternative approaches which allow us to get great sleep. And I think that's wonderful and that you shouldn't be critical of parents who do this.

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

Jen

8/3/2017 09:37:40 am

Excellent article - the Panorama programme made me furious - particularly the part about comparing leaving children in the dark to cry themselves to sleep, to vaccinations.

I would add a further source of support to your list: Jennie Harrison, the sleep deprived mum's coach.

Claire

8/3/2017 06:50:05 pm

I often feel like I'm a bad parent because I decided to put my son in his own room at 6 months. And because I decided to do the pick up pick down method to help him to self settle. I'm not abandoning him, I'm not neglecting him. I am just giving him his own safe space to sleep comfortably at night. When he was a newborn he flat out refused to sleep anywhere but on me and would end up in the bed. I got no sleep whatsoever as I was terrified of suffocating him. I then went through months of his waking several times a night which I know is all normal. Until I decided at 6 months he was at an age to self settle. It's not all been plain sailing but he sleeps now for 10-11 hours a night in his cot and i get some sleep too. Maybe the parents on the programme were so desperate and sleep deprived that all they wanted was a little guidance to restore harmony in their household. Sleep training is not cruel. My sons happiness is my absolute priority and always will be.

Hayley

10/3/2017 02:00:50 pm

This post doesn't make the distinction between crying it out and controlled crying. Controlled crying isn't about leaving your child to cry for hours alone until they realise no one is coming so give up, and it's misleading of this article to suggest that is the case. When we started controlled crying with our son @ 7 months old, we would go in when he started crying, stroke his arm or chest to comfort him (no picking up or cuddles though) then return to our room. If he continued crying, we would leave it for an extra couple of minutes then return and repeat the exercise, leaving longer and longer gaps between comfort visits to his room. He knew we were there, he was comforted and eventually he went to sleep. It took about a week of this until he slept through the night. When we used to bring him back into our bed in the night, he wasnt able to get comfortable and would wake himself up every 20 minutes or so, meaning the whole family was tired and grumpy the next day. Once he was sleeping through the night it was remarkable how different and more refreshed I felt after being so tired and unhappy for so long, and my husband was far happier knowing he could go to work feeling well rested. And my son is fine, he's now nearly 3 and sleeps in the dark, on his own, and if he does wake during the night (rare but it happens) he comes in our bed for a quick cuddle then we put him back in his bed and 9/10 times he goes straight back to sleep. He is a happy, sociable, confident child. I can't see at all how controlled crying the way we practiced it would have a negative impact on his mental health or have him feeling neglected. Parent the way that works for you and your family and ignore judgemental advice which fails to explain how sleep training actually works.

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Children and sleep - a response to Panorama

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