​Crying out for change:crying isn't a baby's only form of communication

It's 2am, dark, quiet, still. You are sleeping. You are dreaming of being alone on a beach somewhere, its warm, quiet and there's no kids in sight; everything is wonderful and rosy as you skip along the sand. You look at the seagulls on the rocks and smile. Suddenly one of the seagulls let's out an almighty screech, it's so loud it makes you jump,  it's screaming now, wailing at you. You wake up with a start, completely confused and disorientated. You're not on a beach, you're in your bedroom and the screaming isn’t a seagull, it's your baby in the next room. You quickly jump out of bed and run to baby's room and pick them up. You try to feed them. They're already so upset that it's so hard to latch them on and the crying is ear piercing, it cuts through the night air and your entire being like a knife. You struggle and feel flustered and angry, you want to cry too.
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The sound of a baby crying is probably one of our least favourite sounds ever. As humans we are programmed to hate the sound so that we will react accordingly to try to help the baby. It doesn't help that as a society we have also been conditioned to be averse to crying and to see it as a weakness or negative trait; so often, on top of the actual dislike of the noise, we are also triggered by babies crying and it can make us feel irrationally angry or upset ourselves.

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t's imagine the same scenario above but instead of baby being in the next room, baby is in bed next to us. Let's imagine we are living in Brazil and the family sleep in one room as this is the norm for the Terena culture, as do millions of families the world over. You are having your beautiful beach dream and all is calm. You start to hear snuffling noises and little squeaks and tiny hands reach out and grab at you. You are slowly woken by small sounds and movements next to you. Your motherly instincts, always aware of baby being there, your subconscious somehow alert, even when you're asleep. You roll over and pull your top down and offer a nipple towards baby's mouth, baby latches easily and calmly and neither of you have even opened your eyes. No crying, no fuss, no waking the rest of the family or the neighbours, and you can lay together half asleep until you feel your baby unlatch and you both drift back off to sleep.

In an ideal world this is how naturally and easily we'd be able to respond to our babies at night. There would be no need for baby to cry because we were right there the whole time and able to meet babies needs immediately. I realise, in our western society at least, that this is not the norm. Many women aren't breastfeeding whether by choice, because of lack of support, or because of physiological reason, and the majority of babies are in their own cots and often moved into a separate room after 6 months.

Our modern society has moved away from how our ancestors cared for their babies and how many other societies still do. New mothers aren't supported in the same way by their community and breastfeeding support isn't given enough priority; in fact the UK have some of the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world. We also aren't given safe bed sharing information by default, we are simply told not to do it and that it is dangerous.

The reality is, that if done safely, it has a lower SIDS risk than babies left alone in their own room. There are hundreds of other factors that contribute to the fact our babies cry more at night too. A study published in the Journal of Paediatrics found British, Italian and Canadian babies cry the most, whereas Danish, German and Italian babies cry the least. Interestingly Denmark has one of the highest rates of breastfeeding and Japanese families usually sleep with babies in the same bed.. You can see how our culture may be increasing the chance of our babies crying, because we aren't able to respond to them quickly enough, following their many other cues and methods of communication before they resort to crying. Because, actually crying is a last resort!

And it's not just at night time that we aren't set up to respond before crying starts. We are often further away from our babies during the day than we are biologically programmed to be. Babies often spend more time in prams and buggies and bouncers and rockers and not close to us. Our ancestors wouldn't have had these options and so they would have carried their babies in arms or in some form of sling. Many people around the world in other cultures still do just this and even here in Britain we are slowly beginning to recognize the benefits of carrying our babies in slings again. A study published by Hunziker UA, et al. Paediatrics in 1986 found that babies who were carried more cried 43% less than those who were only carried for feeding or in response to crying. One of the reasons for this may be, again, that because baby is close to the parent, they are able to respond quickly to cues before crying is needed.

The point I am trying to make is that crying is not a baby's only form of communication and that our society has made it increasingly difficult for us to remember this; unfortunately it has become the norm for us to miss our babies cues for hunger, discomfort, connection and everything in between.

So if we could find ways to have our babies closer to us, day and night, would we perhaps, be able to decrease the amount of crying our babies do? Obviously its not going to be straightforward or as simple as this; there will always be babies who cry because they are in pain, there will always be those who cannot or do not choose to breastfeed where preparing a feed takes some time, and so there will be a delay in satifying hunger, even if early cues are recognised. There will be times we can't respond straight away to our baby's cues, and that's ok, we aren't meant to be perfect. But we can take some time out and slow down a little bit to listen to our babies. To learn to recognise their other means of communication and their hunger, discomfort and other cues to make our lives a little easier.

I'm sure you're expecting me now to list al the different cues and signs to look out for and what each one means. Well, I could tell you what MY babies cues were and that she made squeaky noises, pursed her lips and turned her head from side to side when she was hungry, or that she wriggled and arched her back and frowned when she had wind or needed a nappy change. But she is not your baby. I am not an expert in your child, I am only an expert in my own child. You are the expert in your baby. Your baby will have their own unique ways to communicate how they're feeling and what they need, and it may take a little bit of practise but you can learn the differences. There are some universal cues which can generally point towards certain needs such as a rooting reflex when a young baby is hungry, and a quick Google of baby cues will bring up tons of information about those. But, ultimately, your baby is an individual and their little faces and noises and movements will all mean different things. In fact, I'm sure if you thought about it, you probably already know all their cues. You can tell when they're hungry or tired or need a nappy change before anyone else, and the more time you spend with your baby the easier it will get to recognise their unique little cues. You will realise that your baby can communicate with you in a hundred different ways before you've even counted the different types of cry they have!

Our society may sometimes feel like it's set us up to fail both us and our babies, and the mum guilt is increasing day by day, but we don’t have to parent the way society expects. Nobody will stop you from carrying your baby all day, nobody is going to call social services if you don’t have a cot and you bed share safely instead. The neighbours won't talk about you for being close to your baby all the time, and if they do, I can guarantee it is probably because they are amazed at how little your baby cries! If we can have the confidence to go against the status quo, ignore the societal norms and do what is best for our babies and ourselves now, then we can help future generations have the correct set up and support from the start. Our society is crying out for a change and so are our babies! Hug your babies whenever you want to, carry your babies however you want to, keep your babies close to you and don’t let anyone tell you how to parent!!! Not even me!

For more information on safe bed sharing please see
Lullaby Trust
Basis 

Roma Malone: CalmFamily West Norfolk

Roma has a 2 and a half year old daughter named Belle and is expecting baby number 2 later this month! Exciting times! She is passionate about psychology and fascinated by the brain, and loves to spend time with her family. She is also a big fan of rock music and cooking.

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