Do what works for your family parenting

As parents we are constantly told what we should be doing with our children, whether it’s well-meaning relatives telling us how things were done ‘back in their day’ or self-help books or social media, there’s always someone who has an opinion on what the right way to do things is.

Now, that’s great, someone found a way of doing things that worked really well for them and wrote a book about it, or posted on the internet, or wrote a blog or told a friend and assumed this knowledge would somehow apply to every single parent and child on the planet.... But the truth is, there is so much information out there about how to parent our children, it can be really confusing and conflicting.

Cuddle your baby...no, put your baby down.
Teach your toddler...no, your toddler needs to learn for themselves.
Children need strict rules... no, children need freedom.

We are so bombarded with all the rules, that do we ever really stop and think about what would work best for us and our families?

What would you do if there were no rules? Nobody telling you how to do things? If there was no best way or right way? That’s where learning to be selective with the information and choosing how to use it comes in really helpful. I’m going to use bedtimes as an example as it’ s something that every child does, every day and I’m sure the vast majority, if not all of us have struggled with at some point or another.

When I had my first, she would not sleep... Ever! Ok, so maybe not ever, but it was stressful and difficult every single night. It got to a point at around 6 months old that I dreaded bedtime, I would wake up already not looking forward to the end of the day. My midwife had told me when she was born that as she got older and stopped always falling asleep with her milk that I would need to start putting her down after her feed, drowsy but awake. So, that’s what I did, every single night, I bathed her, fed her, put her to bed and left her to fall asleep and every night I would be in and out countless times, while she screamed and cried between me going in to her and I got more and more stressed and wound up by the whole thing.

This clearly wasn’t working, but it’s what I’d been told I should be doing, by a medical professional, so I felt it’s what I had to do. I talked to friends and read books and tried to work out what it was I was supposed to be doing instead. Turns out there was lots of other options, some that I liked the sound of and others that I wasn’t so sure about.

I started to work through them and after some trial and error I worked out that sitting by her bed while she fell asleep, not only made bedtime less filled with tears, but it was also quicker too (at least most of the time). It didn’t make things perfect, but it really did help. As my family has grown, I’ve gone through the process with all of them when it comes to bedtime. Learning about each child as an individual and what they’re preferences are and how to balance the needs of older and younger children. They are all different, and, like so many things there isn’t a one size fits all approach and what works for naptime doesn’t always work for bedtime and vice-versa. My second child used to refuse to nap unless he had a tea towel on his head (I know, bizarre, but for him, it just did the trick) and for bedtime, was happy to settle in bed by himself while I sat on the floor and read stories. And the good news is, you can apply this to absolutely every aspect of parenting and in fact your life! If your kids eat better sat on the floor in front of the TV and you’re comfortable with it... Do it. If it’s quicker to get out of the door if you put your toddler’s shoes on for them and that’s OK with you...Why not? If tidy up time is less stressful if you put music and dance around while you’re doing it...Awesome, go you!

Whatever it is, there is literally nobody policing this! That can be a really scary prospect when you don’t know what to choose. So, narrowing down your options can be really helpful. You could do some research on the subject, whether it’s sleep or mealtimes or tidying up or getting everyone in the car, the theory is the same. So, ask friends, read the blogs, take the books out of the library, and then work out how you want to use all that information you’ve gathered. Some people will just pick an option  that seems to fit their needs and go with it, adapting and changing it until it works for them. If you need a more methodical approach, you could write down 2 lists, one that you’re comfortable with and one that you’re not. Rank the options from 1st preference to last resort. Discount all the options that sound difficult or impractical. Pick options out of a hat at random! Whatever method you choose, hopefully you will have identified some potential options to work through until you find something that works. ​

Top tips for getting it ‘right’

• Don’t give up on day 1. Just because it’s not an instant fix doesn’t mean it’s not going to work for you. Small humans often need some time to get used to changes and will feel more comfortable once you’ve done it a good few times.
• If it’s really stressful, don’t do it. If you pick something that turns out to make things more fraught then it’s perfectly OK to change your mind, in fact it’s probably a really good idea!
• Don’t be afraid to change and adapt. As little ones grow you might find that the methods that always worked for you aren’t so effective or don’t fit so well into your lifestyle any more. That’s OK, you can change it, a lot or a little bit to suit your family life.
• ​Talk to your children about it. Explaining what you’re doing and why can really help little ones to feel more comfortable, even little babies will benefit from this commentary. If your small folk area little older and able to give you their opinion, taking their thoughts and feelings into consideration is often really positive.

We call this ‘do what works for your family’ parenting. Catchy, huh?
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 Jeni Atkinson- CalmFamily Derby and Nottingham & Little Possums Preloved

Jeni is a wonderful, compassionate and inspiring woman: "Just because our parenting is gentle doesn’t mean it doesn’t make a difference, the way we raise our children will impact how they feel about themselves & the choices they make as they grow up. I want to see things change in their lifetime, I want to fight back against the childist views of our patriarchal society, I want to see a world where children are allowed their own autonomy, that lets them learn for themselves & make their own mistakes. A society where diversity in all its forms is celebrated, where neurodiversity, mental health, sex & sexuality, gender, politics & all these subjects that are shied away from are talked about openly. A society where parents are inspired & supported to  make the choices that work from them & their families. Oh & save the planet at the same time!" 

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