I guess this article could have been called “Why I celebrate Mothers all year round” but I wanted to be really clear that I DO NOT DO Mother’s Day. I hate Mother’s Day and want it to stop. This is definitely not because I have some deep-seated issues with mothers or the concept of motherhood, and not because I have a problem with my own mother. Nor is it because I wish to deny any mother the bliss of a day “off” or being nurtured and celebrated by others.
My five problems with Mother’s Day:
So this is a pretty big one. I cannot tell you how many people (mothers mostly) I have spoken to and listened to this week that feel the pressure of this day weighing on them in a seriously unhappy way. I will address below the people who struggle because of their circumstances but here all I am talking about is simply the pressure of having to be happy on cue, and the pressure of worrying whether their other half will have done anything, or the right thing. Some of the mothers who need nurturing and celebrating more than any others, don’t receive that on this day either, and the day just acts as a reminder.
Equally, for some children, the pressure of having to provide a perfect day for their mother is just too much. It isn’t because they don’t love her, not because they have a lack of appreciation for what she does. It is simply too much to expect of them to “perform” perfectly on a particular day. This is particularly true if your child is neurodivergent.
2. Spontaneity and regularity mattersI have always personally felt that having one particular day for celebrating someone, and it being advertised and reminded literally everywhere during the weeks before, makes it utterly meaningless. For me, I would feel much more celebrated, by someone noticing what I do and deciding to do something fo me, or to recognise my contribution then, in that moment.
In the same vein, if I have to wait to feel valued on Mother’s Day and my birthday and that’s it, then quite frankly, I don’t feel valued at all. I know that I work really bloody hard for others every day of my life. Sometimes in practical ways but more often than not, for me, in emotional ways.
When my husband notices how hard I am working at keeping everyone calm and nurtured, and how tired I am, and makes sure I get a lie in or some time alone. When my children randomly hug me and thank me for doing what I do, or when I get a strong feeling of gratitude myself and text my mum. That is celebrating me and what motherhood is here.
3. Huge trigger and not accessible to everyone
The hardest part is that for some people, the day and all it’s visibility is a huge trigger for hugely difficult emotions. This could be due to losing your mother, having an abusive mother, losing a child, not being able to be with a child that you are a mother to, having a child that cannot celebrate with you in some other way (maybe through neurodivergence or disability). There are so many reasons why this day might be hugely difficult for some mothers, some people who want to be mothers who are not, some children and some fathers.
Mother’s Day has only become such a big deal because it makes rich people richer. Card companies, restaurants, supermarkets, and any shops really, benefit financially from women’s hard work and do not think for a second that the people at the top of that chain who make millions from this day, are in fact either mothers or even women. They are not. By taking part we are contributing financially to capitalism, consumerism, and worse still, patriarchy.
5. Women are not valued
This leads neatly to my final problem with Mother’s Day. We need to start insisting that this society starts actually valuing mothers and the reason that the work of mothers is not valued is not an individual family problem. It is a problem of inequality in our society. It is because the work of mothers is inherently valued and women are not valued. I am not going to get into a feminist rant here but if you, like me, think that the work of mothers is (in most cases) beyond the damn pale, then we need to stop hiding it away as “I am just a mum”.
We bloody deserve to be celebrated
This concept applies to other things too
Honestly, it’s your choice
Celebrating each other
I know it may look like a pretty good life being a child, but growing up is tough, especially for some children. Those who have non-traditional family situations, those who have lost people (applies to adults too), those whose mothers have hurt them and, in many families, those who struggle with anxiety, are particularly vulnerable on this day. I know that if we did do Mother’s Day here in my family, my son who is Autistic would struggle a great deal with the pressure of this day.We celebrate each other in small ways, every single day. We don’t always get it right but that is all part of this pathway. This is fundamental to having calmer relationships.